Who's gonna?

So I haven't used this in awhile. And I feel the need right now to bitch about things that need to be bitched at, and don't judge me. This is my space, after all.

I feel just, unloved and alone right now.

I love my life, I do. I love what I'm doing and I think on some level I'm finally getting my shit together. But as old as I am you know what? I've never been kissed. I've never had a serious boyfriend either and as far as I know, no one has been into me. But it's not that I haven't wanted to kiss anyon or haven't wanted to date anyone it's just that no one has wanted to do any of that with me. College is amazing and difficult but I feel isolated from the other people in my own program, they do their things, they're close and they don't even invite me. I just, I don't know. Just because I might not give off the vibe of being a drinker or a partier or whatever, I'd still like to be invited. I just want to know I'm cared about and the only people outside my family who have even indicated that is my advisor that is both my bane and my push, and my teacher. I'd just like that closeness and connectivity that I had with my friends before. It's the only thing I miss.

I want to know who's going to love me. Me. I want to be selfish, I want to have something of my own. Other girls know what it's like to be loved and adored and to feel beautiful and everything. I wouldn't mind being called beautiful, I wouldn't mind any of that. Just... yeah. Parts of me are becoming so much stronger and at the very same time, other parts of me seem to be falling apart at times. It sucks, i just want to know what it's like. So much. I'm a performer. A musician. At the end of the day, the audience I so covet only loves me for what I do, they do not love me for who I am or the things I like and that I offer. They love my performance and musicianship. But I want something or someone for me. That's it.