Who's gonna?

So I haven't used this in awhile. And I feel the need right now to bitch about things that need to be bitched at, and don't judge me. This is my space, after all.

I feel just, unloved and alone right now.

I love my life, I do. I love what I'm doing and I think on some level I'm finally getting my shit together. But as old as I am you know what? I've never been kissed. I've never had a serious boyfriend either and as far as I know, no one has been into me. But it's not that I haven't wanted to kiss anyon or haven't wanted to date anyone it's just that no one has wanted to do any of that with me. College is amazing and difficult but I feel isolated from the other people in my own program, they do their things, they're close and they don't even invite me. I just, I don't know. Just because I might not give off the vibe of being a drinker or a partier or whatever, I'd still like to be invited. I just want to know I'm cared about and the only people outside my family who have even indicated that is my advisor that is both my bane and my push, and my teacher. I'd just like that closeness and connectivity that I had with my friends before. It's the only thing I miss.

I want to know who's going to love me. Me. I want to be selfish, I want to have something of my own. Other girls know what it's like to be loved and adored and to feel beautiful and everything. I wouldn't mind being called beautiful, I wouldn't mind any of that. Just... yeah. Parts of me are becoming so much stronger and at the very same time, other parts of me seem to be falling apart at times. It sucks, i just want to know what it's like. So much. I'm a performer. A musician. At the end of the day, the audience I so covet only loves me for what I do, they do not love me for who I am or the things I like and that I offer. They love my performance and musicianship. But I want something or someone for me. That's it.

A woman's love

Is herself. Complete and total and infinite self-sacrifice. There are no bounds, it is deep and loyal and unwavering and exposed. Sometimes it may be unrequited but that is her love - to be willing to devote herself so completely to the well-being of someone else. I come from a family of strong women - courageous women, who have gone through massive ordeals, who have unfortunately, come out with the short end of things. But even with the men in their lives gone or divorced or married to someone else, don't judge. Their love for their family is whole and complete and passionate. And that is the way I am. I feel deeply, I'm not a shallow person. I don't get angry so often as I just get hurt and dissapointed, especially with the people I care about a lot. So I'm exhausted. I am completely and utterly exhausted and I'm glad that I'm not some emotionless zombie but I still feel too much, I have my heart on my sleeve and I expose myself. It can get me hurt but it also makes me stronger, at least I hope.

You'd neve know

that I feel this way... But then again, you don't want to look outside your own ingrained self-righteousness, right?

Hallelujah

by Rufus Wrainwright is stuck in my head.



Which has nothing of significance to do with my blog at this moment in time. No Fear, right? I'm trying to keep myself going. I don't know, I absolutely love the place I'm in right now except for a few minor glitches, but it really is difficult working to get to the place you want to be in life. I needed the kick in the ass, I needed the tough love but it's still quite hard. There is no time for me to be stagnant, I need to constantly be moving in a forward direction, to keep having a goal to aim for, to make myself better and stronger. I need to be focused, focus has always been an issue for me. I need to get this damned paper done, I need to make sure I'm practicing. Studies/music come first, and everything else comes after. I can do this but nobody said it was easy.

I am not

Going to be on the backburner. I am not going to tolerate disrespect. I am a lady. Maybe not a lady from Spain, but I can still unscrew the stars. My love, even and especially for my friends, is strong and true and rare. And I am not going to waste it any longer. I can't do this. I refuse to be in any kind of relationship like my mom and my dad's. I am going to have standards and they are going to be met. It hurts. So much, I can't even begin to explain it. But if I am not worth your time anymore to even garner the least bit of respect, it's my fault. Because I have let you get away with shit, I have catered to you, I have never argued a fucking thing and stood up for myself. But my attitude has changed now. I am a lady and I will demand to be treated like one, and I will start to make my standards higher. Not just for relationships but for friendships. I'm sorry. It's painful. So much. But I think being disillusioned is the best thing that's happened for me right now. It's allowing me to move on. And once I get past this, hopefully you realize that you value me. And if you don't realize it... then I guess I just had it coming then, didn't I?

All in all, I hope I will Be OK.

Rendezvous

I've been working on a new composition, and as most people seem to know, I'm a conceptual person so I like to write out the images in my head, since they tend to be very vivid. This piece is tango-inspired string quintet.

---

There's no way it's a chance encounter, not with the hushed voices and the light caresses because the shadows dance across everything, bathing the night in a warm dark blanket that casts a muffle on everything, the heady sensation rising. The man and woman are in there, dancing. You can tell they're meant for each other, the tension between them and their constant push and pull. The way she melds to him and the way he lifts her up, more emotionally than anything else. They know they should be together and that's why they're there... for the private moment, the intimacy of touching without the sexuality. That's what makes it special, because it's a laying on of hands and hips and feather-light kisses in a room that would be sedate if it wasn't for the two bodies and the way they interact. They're like art, and you can see their souls from the way they move, you can see all their feelings and emotions laid bare because that's just what they do for each other. The air is thick underneath the blanket of darkness, which only makes it quieter to the outsiders who occasionally see them, although this is intensely private. It's not a dance show, it's not some sort of exhibition. It is meant for themselves only, passions and twirls and lingering gazes...

I got over myself

"You have suffered enough and warred with yourself.
It's time that you won."

Get me out of this rut

I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm not moving. I hate it, I want out. My best friends are off at their respective campuses and I'm still stuck. Waiting, watching. I get depressed and lethargic and I hate it. I need something, I need motivation or at least someone close to me that I can talk to, that I can cry on and maybe just get a nice hug. I'm just so... sad. And it hurts. I mean, my turn is coming quickly but hearing them and seeing them all be happy makes me happy but at the same time it kind of strikes deep down. I wish I was there and I wish that I just wasn't so sad. And I feel like there's nothign I can do. While everyone is out, and changing for the better and finding themselves I'm just still here... sad little me. And I hate it.

On My Own

And now I'm all alone again, no where to go no one to turn to,
I did not want your money sir, I came out here cause I was told to
And now the night is near
And I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain the pavcement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bere and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Five Years

Is a subtle, tricky thing. Five years. Five years I've had you, five years you've been there for me through deaths and weddings and fights and loves. You been there for me when I felt like my heart was ripping in two because of other people. You've been there for me at my absolute worst moments - and you've been there for me at my absolute most triumphant moment. We started out rocky, if close. I never thought the elf-like thing sitting next to me in class would become my handsome, amazing, best friend. I love you. I love you so much and I knew this was coming, I knew because you were always destined for things greater than this town. But it doesn't make it any easier to let go, any easier to say goodbye to your constant companionship. It's a fact of life. But when you have so few friends in the first place, and you occupy such a big space in my heart, it still hurts. It hurts a lot and I love you so much you'll never even figure it out because you gave me something that is worth more than the entire world. There are some people I know who I want to completely leave. To completely shun away and think that it would be so much easier to just cut them out completely even though I'm still bound to them. Not you. I take all of you. All your strengths and flaws and accept it wholly. I'll never stop believing in you and I'll never stop being your friend. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but absence hurts. It hurts so bad. I take all of you, all the good and the bad, and I give you in return, my everlasting friendship. The last five years have been... unbelievable. There's a lot of history to us, even if I'm not the friend you've had the longest. But you are the friend I've had the longest and that's something...

So I wish you the best of luck in everything, and I know that you'll do amazing things the same way I'll do amazing things. And it's not goodbye at all, but 'see you later'. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but still, absence hurts. And thank you. So much. For absolutely everything.

Neglect

I've neglected my blog for awhile. I need to get back on track before the year starts again, throwing its many obstacles. I feel so overwhelmed, and sometimes I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can't remember who I'm supposed to lean on. People I thought I loved lashing out, people I don't even know are accepting me with open arms. I'm repulsed and drawn to people at random and it's a bit disconcerting. I have no clue how this is going to turn out during the year. I've neglected friends who I still love and it bothers me that I've been so terrible. And there are people who I cut out because I couldn't deal with them anymore that have popped back up, all aggression and faulting. What to do, what to do. The dilemma is frightening.

Remember

Your friends. Don't forget the ones that you used to have and don't neglect your currrent ones, like I do occasionally. Rememeber the good and the bad times. Reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I think people forget how important those people are in your life until you don't get to see them anymore. Part of me needs this upcoming change in my life - I need new people, badly. I want to open my eyes and to forget some of the hurt that occured time and time again during high school. The hurt that made me want to rip my heart out because I was tired of crying and tired of feeling so much, like I always do. But instead, I endured, and I'm so glad I did. And while I am letting some people go because they are not worth the drama or the pain that they caused and will continue to inflict, but there are others that are worth it. Because what's worth the prize is always worth the fight, and it was. And I need this change. I need to re-find the motivation and determination that I've somewhat lost over the last year or so in high school. I have been at my most unfocused because I've been weary. All the drama, all the stuff with friends and teachers and family. It's just been so much and it's finally over. And now that I've had breathing room, it's time to get up again. Even if my family can't communicate in anything other than screams and yells right now. Even if I really want to get out of the house on a daily basis but can't, because no one is around. I need to make myself be around. I need to prioritize. I can do this, even if there are some things that I will continuously fail at. Because I am human.

Sunshine ramblings

It's really uplifting, isn't it? The warmth on your face. That's why I love staying up late - I wake up in sunshine. I love sunshine and sunflowers, and I miss Hawai'i like crazy. I miss the sand between my toes and the ocean out my back door. The sensation of never being too far from home. From my namesake. Living in a house, in a home, may not seem like a big deal to many people, but it's something that I've never had, that I've always craved. To have a place that you know is yours. I don't have anything like that. I can decorate the walls all I want and leave as many clothes on the floor as possible, but none of it actually belongs there. I've always lived in apartments. Everything is rented. Jonathan Larson had it right when he said "Everything is rent." There are very few things that actually belong to you. Objects are fleeting. And even people in love don't 'belong' to each other. They are an individual person in their own right. And they deserve to be free of bonds, except for the ones they put on willingly. That's why marriage is fascinating.

I Feel Too Much

I feel too much. I just feel like there's too much emotion going through me sometimes and I can't contain it, and I have no idea how to deal with it. And at the moment I can't describe it, which concludes this blog.

together we'll be unlimited

I swear, together, you and I have the capability to take on the world. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about banding together and helping each other get through? I think sometimes that maybe I don't mean anything to you, but I can never be sure... I don't know. I have no clue. Maybe you're just waiting until we get out? Until we can get out of this freaking hellhole we have to call our homes, until we have a chance to move out and fluorish in an environment that really pushes us to be better... I think we can do it. We can prosper, we can find ourselves and each other and do all sorts of amazing things that we couldn't do here. It's so weird to think that we'll be out of here. We're made for so many bigger and better things. It's difficult for me to envision it, but I'm excited. Two parts excited, one part apprehensive for the future. The future that's coming ridiculously fast. I'm ready, so long as you're somewhere near.

the road is long

But I've arrived at a pit stop. Now is the time where I look back on my accomplishments - all I've done. And I feel proud. I feel satisfaction in my performance. In my achievements. In my mistakes. In my lessons both learned and forgotten. And now, with this peace, I head foward to a new chapter in my life.

Crave

Why does it feel so good? Touch, that is. No matter how small, how insignificant, it seems to just sear straight through, and it makes me just feel more in myself, more of a woman, more beautiful and like someone worth loving. Hands in your hair, your hands on my waists, and our hips swinging. I love it. I absolutely love it and I can't seem to stop myself. I just wish I could say it. I could scream it, lay myself out for you because you've already cut me open to my desires. Hot damn, I must be crazy. I must be stupid or something, because I'm letting myself be exposed to you. I could be hurt so bad but I don't think you'd do that to me. At least, I'd hope. And maybe when we escape together I can tell you. When we get out of our heads and away from it all, I can tell how how much I want to feel your lips or just to hold your hand and call you mine. Because I'm already yours, whether you know this or not.

everyone has a moment

where reality hits them square in the face.

I had my moment today. I was driving to my college campus, thinking about getting ready for Prom after class, when Star 101.5 played a song dedicated to the graduating class of 2009. It was Baz Lurhmann's Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I was about to get out of my car when I had to stop and listen to it. I couldn't move. I was completely captivated by the spoken word, and it brought me to tears. It wasn't overtly sentimental, it wasn't jubilant or celebratory. But it's simplicity made me realize - I am going into the world. Somehow it managed to sum up the fact that I'm leaving the nest and I'm not quite sure what's in store for me but I'm going to jump into it head on. It's unbelievable, that this is the final culmination of my public schooling. While it was happening it seemed to last for so long, but now as I reach the home stretch I realize that the rest of it moved by quickly and this year has been the single longest. But this week is moving very, very fast. It's almost too fast for me to comprehend, for me to hold on.

It's a big, lonely world out there. And I don't know if I'm prepared. I don't know if anything can really prepare me for it. But if I've got my friends, my family, and a bright disposition towards the future, I think I can come out of it a little better than before. I want to live in New York at some point in time (and leave before it makes me hard). I want to receive and give a love letter at least once. I want to travel a lot, and see all there is that I can. I want to speak Arabic and be a translator. I want to study in a foreign country. I want to live in an artist's flat. I want to at some point, be poor and working all the time doing gigs, but be at my absolute happiest at the same time. I want to have everything life can give me. I want to kiss in the rain, dance under the stars, and make love during a sunset. I want to run barefoot on the beach, I want to be charitable even when things suck. I want to be accomplished and humble, but I want to be proud of my life. I want to fall in love. I want to feel loved in return.

I want to be free, and wear sunscreen.

The video: Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Lurhmann

the end is near (heresy, heresy)

Finally... graduation is coming. I will be leaving this high school tripe behind. Because I've grown tremendously in my four years, but high school has only provided hardships. My best character growth and learning has been outside of it - from my good friends that are still with me, from youth symphony, from music, from all those things that I had to seek for myself. I know I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of excuses. I've seriously fucked up and been fucked up before, but you know what? I'm leaving this behind, now. I'm moving on. And I think that's what matters.

Polyamory

We had a speaker today, on polyamory.
Poly = many
Amory = love
Or many loves. And to be honest, some of it made sense to me. I don't think I could be capable of having a physical relationship with someone else, knowing that they are involved sexually with someone else. But a different part of it made sense to me. The idea of having multiple intimate relationships. The idea that you do in fact, have other people that you are very emotionally and intimately tied to, because not one person can fulfill every single need that you have. Does that make me a poly person? I don't know. But I do know that I have friends of the same sex that I am very closely attached to. My relationship with them is an integral part of my heart, and who I am. No person I am romantically involved with is going to change that. Because I love them, with all of my heart and being. And I cannot date someone who has an issue with that. So what does that make me?