Sunshine ramblings

It's really uplifting, isn't it? The warmth on your face. That's why I love staying up late - I wake up in sunshine. I love sunshine and sunflowers, and I miss Hawai'i like crazy. I miss the sand between my toes and the ocean out my back door. The sensation of never being too far from home. From my namesake. Living in a house, in a home, may not seem like a big deal to many people, but it's something that I've never had, that I've always craved. To have a place that you know is yours. I don't have anything like that. I can decorate the walls all I want and leave as many clothes on the floor as possible, but none of it actually belongs there. I've always lived in apartments. Everything is rented. Jonathan Larson had it right when he said "Everything is rent." There are very few things that actually belong to you. Objects are fleeting. And even people in love don't 'belong' to each other. They are an individual person in their own right. And they deserve to be free of bonds, except for the ones they put on willingly. That's why marriage is fascinating.

I Feel Too Much

I feel too much. I just feel like there's too much emotion going through me sometimes and I can't contain it, and I have no idea how to deal with it. And at the moment I can't describe it, which concludes this blog.

together we'll be unlimited

I swear, together, you and I have the capability to take on the world. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about banding together and helping each other get through? I think sometimes that maybe I don't mean anything to you, but I can never be sure... I don't know. I have no clue. Maybe you're just waiting until we get out? Until we can get out of this freaking hellhole we have to call our homes, until we have a chance to move out and fluorish in an environment that really pushes us to be better... I think we can do it. We can prosper, we can find ourselves and each other and do all sorts of amazing things that we couldn't do here. It's so weird to think that we'll be out of here. We're made for so many bigger and better things. It's difficult for me to envision it, but I'm excited. Two parts excited, one part apprehensive for the future. The future that's coming ridiculously fast. I'm ready, so long as you're somewhere near.

the road is long

But I've arrived at a pit stop. Now is the time where I look back on my accomplishments - all I've done. And I feel proud. I feel satisfaction in my performance. In my achievements. In my mistakes. In my lessons both learned and forgotten. And now, with this peace, I head foward to a new chapter in my life.

Crave

Why does it feel so good? Touch, that is. No matter how small, how insignificant, it seems to just sear straight through, and it makes me just feel more in myself, more of a woman, more beautiful and like someone worth loving. Hands in your hair, your hands on my waists, and our hips swinging. I love it. I absolutely love it and I can't seem to stop myself. I just wish I could say it. I could scream it, lay myself out for you because you've already cut me open to my desires. Hot damn, I must be crazy. I must be stupid or something, because I'm letting myself be exposed to you. I could be hurt so bad but I don't think you'd do that to me. At least, I'd hope. And maybe when we escape together I can tell you. When we get out of our heads and away from it all, I can tell how how much I want to feel your lips or just to hold your hand and call you mine. Because I'm already yours, whether you know this or not.

everyone has a moment

where reality hits them square in the face.

I had my moment today. I was driving to my college campus, thinking about getting ready for Prom after class, when Star 101.5 played a song dedicated to the graduating class of 2009. It was Baz Lurhmann's Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I was about to get out of my car when I had to stop and listen to it. I couldn't move. I was completely captivated by the spoken word, and it brought me to tears. It wasn't overtly sentimental, it wasn't jubilant or celebratory. But it's simplicity made me realize - I am going into the world. Somehow it managed to sum up the fact that I'm leaving the nest and I'm not quite sure what's in store for me but I'm going to jump into it head on. It's unbelievable, that this is the final culmination of my public schooling. While it was happening it seemed to last for so long, but now as I reach the home stretch I realize that the rest of it moved by quickly and this year has been the single longest. But this week is moving very, very fast. It's almost too fast for me to comprehend, for me to hold on.

It's a big, lonely world out there. And I don't know if I'm prepared. I don't know if anything can really prepare me for it. But if I've got my friends, my family, and a bright disposition towards the future, I think I can come out of it a little better than before. I want to live in New York at some point in time (and leave before it makes me hard). I want to receive and give a love letter at least once. I want to travel a lot, and see all there is that I can. I want to speak Arabic and be a translator. I want to study in a foreign country. I want to live in an artist's flat. I want to at some point, be poor and working all the time doing gigs, but be at my absolute happiest at the same time. I want to have everything life can give me. I want to kiss in the rain, dance under the stars, and make love during a sunset. I want to run barefoot on the beach, I want to be charitable even when things suck. I want to be accomplished and humble, but I want to be proud of my life. I want to fall in love. I want to feel loved in return.

I want to be free, and wear sunscreen.

The video: Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Lurhmann