I want this to end. Not life, because I do love my life, but I want this craving, this inner starvation to somewhat cease. I want to stop craving touch, to stop craving adoration or presence of people. I want this to be sated. I want to feel loved, I want to feel beautiful and not quite so empty inside. What am I missing? What is it that has abandoned me? Do I need friendship? Company? Sex? Money? Compassion? I feel so empty and unsatisfied... and I don't know what to do. I'm missing something. A laying on of hands? Intimacy? Connections? Adoration? Something promised. I don't think I'm an attention whore. I don't think I'm a drama magnet, because all it does is make me sink into a deeper depression. I'm not stuck in a rut, physically. But emotionally, I feel taxed. I'm weary. I'm bone-fucking-weary and I can't do anything more about it. I realize that emotions give us our humanity, but sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. I just feel as if I'm lacking. That I'm second-class. That I'm not enough to be worth someone's time, someone's thoughts. A call and a 'how are you doing?' would mean the world to me right now. Just the ability to set aside a small portion of time would mean the world to me. Fucking hell... Why do I just feel like something's gnawing away at me? I have so many questions that will never be answered but I seem to ask them anyway. Why can't I be beautiful. Why can't I really carry on to snare a lover, to catch someone's eyes, to feel powerful in that womanly way, to have confidence in my faith and body. To have faith in Faith. My support is crumbling to the ground. And I am not strong enough to hold myself up. My inner resolve has been worn down to the core and the only thing that remains is a bundle of very raw, very ultra-sensitive nerves that keep getting struck. I'm so tired, mama. I'm so tired, daddy. Anyone who's listening out there... could you help me?
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