A woman's love

Is herself. Complete and total and infinite self-sacrifice. There are no bounds, it is deep and loyal and unwavering and exposed. Sometimes it may be unrequited but that is her love - to be willing to devote herself so completely to the well-being of someone else. I come from a family of strong women - courageous women, who have gone through massive ordeals, who have unfortunately, come out with the short end of things. But even with the men in their lives gone or divorced or married to someone else, don't judge. Their love for their family is whole and complete and passionate. And that is the way I am. I feel deeply, I'm not a shallow person. I don't get angry so often as I just get hurt and dissapointed, especially with the people I care about a lot. So I'm exhausted. I am completely and utterly exhausted and I'm glad that I'm not some emotionless zombie but I still feel too much, I have my heart on my sleeve and I expose myself. It can get me hurt but it also makes me stronger, at least I hope.

You'd neve know

that I feel this way... But then again, you don't want to look outside your own ingrained self-righteousness, right?

Hallelujah

by Rufus Wrainwright is stuck in my head.



Which has nothing of significance to do with my blog at this moment in time. No Fear, right? I'm trying to keep myself going. I don't know, I absolutely love the place I'm in right now except for a few minor glitches, but it really is difficult working to get to the place you want to be in life. I needed the kick in the ass, I needed the tough love but it's still quite hard. There is no time for me to be stagnant, I need to constantly be moving in a forward direction, to keep having a goal to aim for, to make myself better and stronger. I need to be focused, focus has always been an issue for me. I need to get this damned paper done, I need to make sure I'm practicing. Studies/music come first, and everything else comes after. I can do this but nobody said it was easy.

I am not

Going to be on the backburner. I am not going to tolerate disrespect. I am a lady. Maybe not a lady from Spain, but I can still unscrew the stars. My love, even and especially for my friends, is strong and true and rare. And I am not going to waste it any longer. I can't do this. I refuse to be in any kind of relationship like my mom and my dad's. I am going to have standards and they are going to be met. It hurts. So much, I can't even begin to explain it. But if I am not worth your time anymore to even garner the least bit of respect, it's my fault. Because I have let you get away with shit, I have catered to you, I have never argued a fucking thing and stood up for myself. But my attitude has changed now. I am a lady and I will demand to be treated like one, and I will start to make my standards higher. Not just for relationships but for friendships. I'm sorry. It's painful. So much. But I think being disillusioned is the best thing that's happened for me right now. It's allowing me to move on. And once I get past this, hopefully you realize that you value me. And if you don't realize it... then I guess I just had it coming then, didn't I?

All in all, I hope I will Be OK.

Rendezvous

I've been working on a new composition, and as most people seem to know, I'm a conceptual person so I like to write out the images in my head, since they tend to be very vivid. This piece is tango-inspired string quintet.

---

There's no way it's a chance encounter, not with the hushed voices and the light caresses because the shadows dance across everything, bathing the night in a warm dark blanket that casts a muffle on everything, the heady sensation rising. The man and woman are in there, dancing. You can tell they're meant for each other, the tension between them and their constant push and pull. The way she melds to him and the way he lifts her up, more emotionally than anything else. They know they should be together and that's why they're there... for the private moment, the intimacy of touching without the sexuality. That's what makes it special, because it's a laying on of hands and hips and feather-light kisses in a room that would be sedate if it wasn't for the two bodies and the way they interact. They're like art, and you can see their souls from the way they move, you can see all their feelings and emotions laid bare because that's just what they do for each other. The air is thick underneath the blanket of darkness, which only makes it quieter to the outsiders who occasionally see them, although this is intensely private. It's not a dance show, it's not some sort of exhibition. It is meant for themselves only, passions and twirls and lingering gazes...

I got over myself

"You have suffered enough and warred with yourself.
It's time that you won."

Get me out of this rut

I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm not moving. I hate it, I want out. My best friends are off at their respective campuses and I'm still stuck. Waiting, watching. I get depressed and lethargic and I hate it. I need something, I need motivation or at least someone close to me that I can talk to, that I can cry on and maybe just get a nice hug. I'm just so... sad. And it hurts. I mean, my turn is coming quickly but hearing them and seeing them all be happy makes me happy but at the same time it kind of strikes deep down. I wish I was there and I wish that I just wasn't so sad. And I feel like there's nothign I can do. While everyone is out, and changing for the better and finding themselves I'm just still here... sad little me. And I hate it.

On My Own

And now I'm all alone again, no where to go no one to turn to,
I did not want your money sir, I came out here cause I was told to
And now the night is near
And I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain the pavcement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bere and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Five Years

Is a subtle, tricky thing. Five years. Five years I've had you, five years you've been there for me through deaths and weddings and fights and loves. You been there for me when I felt like my heart was ripping in two because of other people. You've been there for me at my absolute worst moments - and you've been there for me at my absolute most triumphant moment. We started out rocky, if close. I never thought the elf-like thing sitting next to me in class would become my handsome, amazing, best friend. I love you. I love you so much and I knew this was coming, I knew because you were always destined for things greater than this town. But it doesn't make it any easier to let go, any easier to say goodbye to your constant companionship. It's a fact of life. But when you have so few friends in the first place, and you occupy such a big space in my heart, it still hurts. It hurts a lot and I love you so much you'll never even figure it out because you gave me something that is worth more than the entire world. There are some people I know who I want to completely leave. To completely shun away and think that it would be so much easier to just cut them out completely even though I'm still bound to them. Not you. I take all of you. All your strengths and flaws and accept it wholly. I'll never stop believing in you and I'll never stop being your friend. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but absence hurts. It hurts so bad. I take all of you, all the good and the bad, and I give you in return, my everlasting friendship. The last five years have been... unbelievable. There's a lot of history to us, even if I'm not the friend you've had the longest. But you are the friend I've had the longest and that's something...

So I wish you the best of luck in everything, and I know that you'll do amazing things the same way I'll do amazing things. And it's not goodbye at all, but 'see you later'. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but still, absence hurts. And thank you. So much. For absolutely everything.

Neglect

I've neglected my blog for awhile. I need to get back on track before the year starts again, throwing its many obstacles. I feel so overwhelmed, and sometimes I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can't remember who I'm supposed to lean on. People I thought I loved lashing out, people I don't even know are accepting me with open arms. I'm repulsed and drawn to people at random and it's a bit disconcerting. I have no clue how this is going to turn out during the year. I've neglected friends who I still love and it bothers me that I've been so terrible. And there are people who I cut out because I couldn't deal with them anymore that have popped back up, all aggression and faulting. What to do, what to do. The dilemma is frightening.

Remember

Your friends. Don't forget the ones that you used to have and don't neglect your currrent ones, like I do occasionally. Rememeber the good and the bad times. Reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I think people forget how important those people are in your life until you don't get to see them anymore. Part of me needs this upcoming change in my life - I need new people, badly. I want to open my eyes and to forget some of the hurt that occured time and time again during high school. The hurt that made me want to rip my heart out because I was tired of crying and tired of feeling so much, like I always do. But instead, I endured, and I'm so glad I did. And while I am letting some people go because they are not worth the drama or the pain that they caused and will continue to inflict, but there are others that are worth it. Because what's worth the prize is always worth the fight, and it was. And I need this change. I need to re-find the motivation and determination that I've somewhat lost over the last year or so in high school. I have been at my most unfocused because I've been weary. All the drama, all the stuff with friends and teachers and family. It's just been so much and it's finally over. And now that I've had breathing room, it's time to get up again. Even if my family can't communicate in anything other than screams and yells right now. Even if I really want to get out of the house on a daily basis but can't, because no one is around. I need to make myself be around. I need to prioritize. I can do this, even if there are some things that I will continuously fail at. Because I am human.

Sunshine ramblings

It's really uplifting, isn't it? The warmth on your face. That's why I love staying up late - I wake up in sunshine. I love sunshine and sunflowers, and I miss Hawai'i like crazy. I miss the sand between my toes and the ocean out my back door. The sensation of never being too far from home. From my namesake. Living in a house, in a home, may not seem like a big deal to many people, but it's something that I've never had, that I've always craved. To have a place that you know is yours. I don't have anything like that. I can decorate the walls all I want and leave as many clothes on the floor as possible, but none of it actually belongs there. I've always lived in apartments. Everything is rented. Jonathan Larson had it right when he said "Everything is rent." There are very few things that actually belong to you. Objects are fleeting. And even people in love don't 'belong' to each other. They are an individual person in their own right. And they deserve to be free of bonds, except for the ones they put on willingly. That's why marriage is fascinating.

I Feel Too Much

I feel too much. I just feel like there's too much emotion going through me sometimes and I can't contain it, and I have no idea how to deal with it. And at the moment I can't describe it, which concludes this blog.

together we'll be unlimited

I swear, together, you and I have the capability to take on the world. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about banding together and helping each other get through? I think sometimes that maybe I don't mean anything to you, but I can never be sure... I don't know. I have no clue. Maybe you're just waiting until we get out? Until we can get out of this freaking hellhole we have to call our homes, until we have a chance to move out and fluorish in an environment that really pushes us to be better... I think we can do it. We can prosper, we can find ourselves and each other and do all sorts of amazing things that we couldn't do here. It's so weird to think that we'll be out of here. We're made for so many bigger and better things. It's difficult for me to envision it, but I'm excited. Two parts excited, one part apprehensive for the future. The future that's coming ridiculously fast. I'm ready, so long as you're somewhere near.

the road is long

But I've arrived at a pit stop. Now is the time where I look back on my accomplishments - all I've done. And I feel proud. I feel satisfaction in my performance. In my achievements. In my mistakes. In my lessons both learned and forgotten. And now, with this peace, I head foward to a new chapter in my life.

Crave

Why does it feel so good? Touch, that is. No matter how small, how insignificant, it seems to just sear straight through, and it makes me just feel more in myself, more of a woman, more beautiful and like someone worth loving. Hands in your hair, your hands on my waists, and our hips swinging. I love it. I absolutely love it and I can't seem to stop myself. I just wish I could say it. I could scream it, lay myself out for you because you've already cut me open to my desires. Hot damn, I must be crazy. I must be stupid or something, because I'm letting myself be exposed to you. I could be hurt so bad but I don't think you'd do that to me. At least, I'd hope. And maybe when we escape together I can tell you. When we get out of our heads and away from it all, I can tell how how much I want to feel your lips or just to hold your hand and call you mine. Because I'm already yours, whether you know this or not.

everyone has a moment

where reality hits them square in the face.

I had my moment today. I was driving to my college campus, thinking about getting ready for Prom after class, when Star 101.5 played a song dedicated to the graduating class of 2009. It was Baz Lurhmann's Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). I was about to get out of my car when I had to stop and listen to it. I couldn't move. I was completely captivated by the spoken word, and it brought me to tears. It wasn't overtly sentimental, it wasn't jubilant or celebratory. But it's simplicity made me realize - I am going into the world. Somehow it managed to sum up the fact that I'm leaving the nest and I'm not quite sure what's in store for me but I'm going to jump into it head on. It's unbelievable, that this is the final culmination of my public schooling. While it was happening it seemed to last for so long, but now as I reach the home stretch I realize that the rest of it moved by quickly and this year has been the single longest. But this week is moving very, very fast. It's almost too fast for me to comprehend, for me to hold on.

It's a big, lonely world out there. And I don't know if I'm prepared. I don't know if anything can really prepare me for it. But if I've got my friends, my family, and a bright disposition towards the future, I think I can come out of it a little better than before. I want to live in New York at some point in time (and leave before it makes me hard). I want to receive and give a love letter at least once. I want to travel a lot, and see all there is that I can. I want to speak Arabic and be a translator. I want to study in a foreign country. I want to live in an artist's flat. I want to at some point, be poor and working all the time doing gigs, but be at my absolute happiest at the same time. I want to have everything life can give me. I want to kiss in the rain, dance under the stars, and make love during a sunset. I want to run barefoot on the beach, I want to be charitable even when things suck. I want to be accomplished and humble, but I want to be proud of my life. I want to fall in love. I want to feel loved in return.

I want to be free, and wear sunscreen.

The video: Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Lurhmann

the end is near (heresy, heresy)

Finally... graduation is coming. I will be leaving this high school tripe behind. Because I've grown tremendously in my four years, but high school has only provided hardships. My best character growth and learning has been outside of it - from my good friends that are still with me, from youth symphony, from music, from all those things that I had to seek for myself. I know I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of excuses. I've seriously fucked up and been fucked up before, but you know what? I'm leaving this behind, now. I'm moving on. And I think that's what matters.

Polyamory

We had a speaker today, on polyamory.
Poly = many
Amory = love
Or many loves. And to be honest, some of it made sense to me. I don't think I could be capable of having a physical relationship with someone else, knowing that they are involved sexually with someone else. But a different part of it made sense to me. The idea of having multiple intimate relationships. The idea that you do in fact, have other people that you are very emotionally and intimately tied to, because not one person can fulfill every single need that you have. Does that make me a poly person? I don't know. But I do know that I have friends of the same sex that I am very closely attached to. My relationship with them is an integral part of my heart, and who I am. No person I am romantically involved with is going to change that. Because I love them, with all of my heart and being. And I cannot date someone who has an issue with that. So what does that make me?

Oh Lord...

I want this to end. Not life, because I do love my life, but I want this craving, this inner starvation to somewhat cease. I want to stop craving touch, to stop craving adoration or presence of people. I want this to be sated. I want to feel loved, I want to feel beautiful and not quite so empty inside. What am I missing? What is it that has abandoned me? Do I need friendship? Company? Sex? Money? Compassion? I feel so empty and unsatisfied... and I don't know what to do. I'm missing something. A laying on of hands? Intimacy? Connections? Adoration? Something promised. I don't think I'm an attention whore. I don't think I'm a drama magnet, because all it does is make me sink into a deeper depression. I'm not stuck in a rut, physically. But emotionally, I feel taxed. I'm weary. I'm bone-fucking-weary and I can't do anything more about it. I realize that emotions give us our humanity, but sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. I just feel as if I'm lacking. That I'm second-class. That I'm not enough to be worth someone's time, someone's thoughts. A call and a 'how are you doing?' would mean the world to me right now. Just the ability to set aside a small portion of time would mean the world to me. Fucking hell... Why do I just feel like something's gnawing away at me? I have so many questions that will never be answered but I seem to ask them anyway. Why can't I be beautiful. Why can't I really carry on to snare a lover, to catch someone's eyes, to feel powerful in that womanly way, to have confidence in my faith and body. To have faith in Faith. My support is crumbling to the ground. And I am not strong enough to hold myself up. My inner resolve has been worn down to the core and the only thing that remains is a bundle of very raw, very ultra-sensitive nerves that keep getting struck. I'm so tired, mama. I'm so tired, daddy. Anyone who's listening out there... could you help me?

I wish...

I could be in your eyes what you are to me. I'm tired of being shoved in the back of the opposite sex's mind. I know that I am not pretty. I know that I am not sexy or hot or easy or any of those things that seemed to be coveted in our society. But I'd like to think I have a good personality, and I would allow you the freedom to have fun without the serious committment. And maybe, just maybe, I would like to be considered beautiful by somebody. Maybe considered pretty, or sexy, or gorgeous. I would love to considered that. But I'm not, and while I've grown used to that somewhat, I still have this little part of me that is tired of being continuously downplayed as a friend or just a flirtatious funny girl with no real intention. Oh well. Such is life...

Disconnection

Connections aren't just lost, sometimes they can be severed or just broken from wear and tear and tugging. But it seems I can't communicate with anybody anymore. Some of it is my fault, some of it isn't. But seems like no one can hear me and no one even tries, and it gets painful. It gets hard for me to keep trying to be heard or to keep trying to be understood when it doesn't even get through. It's like constantly running into brick walls. It gets to the point where I've just gotta keep everything inside cause if I don't I'm just going to be upset and dissapointed and angry all over again. Operator, Operator... I'm dialing in and all I'm getting is silence. How can I speak your language? Help me understand, I've tried to tell you. I've tried to tell you all what I need and how I need it done. And as much as I'd like to help you understand what's going on with me, I need you to have an open mind and an open heart. Because I don't have the confidence to tell you how I feel without fear of retribution. When I tell you the inner workings of my mind... I'm really exposing myself. I'm revealing a large part of me and it is far too delicate to have thrown back at me. I can't handle it. I really can't.

Upside Down by Jack Johnson

Who's to say

What's impossible

Well they forgot

This world keeps spinning

And with each new day

I can feel a change in everything

And as the surface breaks reflections fade

But in some ways they remain the same

And as my mind begins to spread its wings

There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found

I'll share this love I find with everyone

We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs

I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say

I can't do everything

Well I can try

And as I roll along I begin to find

Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found

I'll share this love I find with everyone

We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs

This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste

Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down

Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found

I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away

Please don't go away

Please don't go away

Is this how it's supposed to be

Is this how it's supposed to be

rendezvous

Shhhhh - don't tell anyone, don't tell a soul. Tonight, you and I are going to sneak out. We're going to be lovers, of the most intimate sense. Our bodies probably won't touch but but our minds will, and you know it. Intimacy is so loose, so undefined at least to me. I feel like my soul is bared to you, and that is a far more powerful thing than something as trivial as breasts and stomachs and legs. My weaknesses are there for you to do what you wish. And so tonight, or maybe some other night, I'm going to meet you and we're going to have a rendezvous. Our own little world that we've created, that we thrive in, that gives us oxygen, is our meeting point. They all wish they could understand us. You survive better 'out there' than I do. But I think I do well enough. Sometimes I just need you to catch me, and you do a swell job of it whether or not you know that's what you're doing. You're like my secret lover. Every moment is a happy one and no one knows our mental intimacy except for us. And those who would like to aspire that same connection - family, friends, and mates, simply cannot.

I don't wanna talk

Because words haven't done me any damn good. I'm tired of words, because they are empty and meaningless, because you can just say them with no feeling, or no depth. If words were always necessary, then why did all those ancient humans survive for so many millions of years without it? I'm tired of talking, talking doesn't do me any good anymore. Why don't we dance? We gotta dance to keep from crying - we gotta dance to keep from dying. The touch of your arms mean more to me than a novel, and your lips on mine paint a prettier picture than all the fluffy analogies in the human race. I don't need explanations - I need movement, action, touch, kisses, hugs, or maybe just you sitting besides me, holding me as if we're all we've got left in this existence. I could drown in physical sensations, because they mean so much more than voice. Keep me from dying. Let's just forget about alla that sh*t and be.

No more

Because I deserve better than that

Stop it!

Stop taking away frome me. Give back. Give back a little, please? That's all I need - that's all I want you to do. Leave a little for me. Let me breathe, let me survive. I don't want to feel like I'm choking on unspoken words, when your fish-mouth moves up and down and up and down, making a meaningless noise that maybe I could care about if I got a breath in edgewise. Don't suffocate me, your burdens and your pains aren't mine unless you help me, I have to support myself because you can't help me, and how am I expected to lift you up while you take my strength? Stop it! Stop it! I shall scream! Not that you'd hear me anyways. No, you're too busy listening to the sound of your own tears falling on the bedspread and your own voice inside your head. I could scream all day long. Maybe you'd get around to hearing me but I don't think you'd even understand the words I'm saying. Nope. So I can't be there for you, not as much as you believe you're entitled to. No, because I gotta look out for myself now. Call me when you're ready to listen again.

"Hey old friend,
What d'ya say old friend?
Are you okay old friend?
Are we, are we unique?"

- Sondheim

Am I that selfish?

The answer is yes. Because the truth is, I want something so much that it is a part of me, that I can't imagine not doing it. Though I know it would negatively impact those around me, yes. I want it. Because for me, this is what I have been working years for, and little things like money aren't stopping me. It's horrible, I'm aware, but I need this. I crave this. And the thought of not having it makes me die a little bit inside, and feel as if a part of my soul is caving in. But I could never explain that physically. No, because the selfless thing to do would be to give it up. But I don't want to. There is no other deep reason. I DO NOT WANT TO. There are so many reasons why not to, I can't even say. But the truth of the matter is that I am selfish, and I don't want to give it up and I honestly believe that I shouldn't have to.

Sunshine

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy

when skies are gray

You’ll never know dear
How much I love you

Please don’t take

my sunshine away

Dizzy

Just thinking about it seems to make my head spin, to make me uproot myself. That before I know it, everything's going to be going going gone and I'll me moving on from my mom to whatever is waiting for me out in the world. That it's all coming so quickly, and that no matter what I tell people "oh don't worry, things won't be different," I know they will. And holy shit I'm scared. I'm really terrified, even though I'm excited. The unknown awaits me, and I've been too busy preparing for it to really sit back and realize that I have no clue what my future holds. I have things I want to happen in my future, but is it really what's in the stars? Am I slacking too much? Am I working myself to death? I don't know. I just want to grab your hand, and jump in.

Touch

Touch me, let me feel it, I don't care what. If it's friendly or sensual or passive. If it's the way we melt together when we sit side-by-side in a theatre seat, or seeing how warm your hands are to my chilly ones. I don't care, but like I said before I crave touch, because I'm so very human. A pat you on the back or to give you a hug, or to shake your hand after an interview. Humans were born to touch, or else we wouldn't have such sensitive skin, we'd just be DRY and CRACKLING like an iguana, tough like the reptiles and shielded like the other mammals. No, we need touch to survive, to just be. We have a need for reeling, heady, pleasure just like we have a need for comfort and are. Why else would the same muscles we use to strike a blow be used to soothe with a caress? Sometimes I have a desire to kiss, to simply hold on and never let go because the touch of skin makes my nerves leap and keeps me going. We need to feel, we need to have that. Or at least I do. It's all I can do to keep myself from reaching my hands out sometime. It's like I need to make sure you're really there, and that you're really real.

Don't apologize

I won't apologize anymore, not for just being me and for being human and fallible and curious. I won't apologize for being too passionate, for having too much feeling and for wanting to share my thoughts with the world. I am me, and I cannot ask myself to give up any more of myself than I already have, because I cannot love anyone else unless I love myself first, and I cannot love you if I do not love who I am around you. I am flawed, and I accept that. I do not want to be perfect, I want to just live and love and play music and make my own mistakes because I am done questioning the philosophy of life and my dependency on other human beings. If I love, I love fiercely. And though I have yet to love anyone more than as a very good friend, I'm sure I'll learn. Or maybe I'm already there and have yet to admit it to myself. I won't apologize for the fact that I crave physical contact, for touch and hugs and kisses and the brush of your finger on my face. Or that maybe I don't want to talk, that I just want to dance because nothing in the dictionary can explain the connection, or the feeling. Or maybe that I just want to play music because it completes me and it makes me whole. I will not apologize for letting myself be human - because even though I hurt and I yearn and I fall, i am still whole. I am myself, and I am coming to like her, and to accept it. Because I think that people believe that they need certain things to make them whole, maybe they need a lover, or maybe they need an material item, or a certain abode. And in a way, you do. But if you do not accept who you are anyways, none of those things matter. It's just a way to cover up the emptiness. And I've realized that I am a person, a whole person. And these things help to mold me and make me who I am, but I cannot apologize for all the millions of things that are wrong with me anymore. Because I don't want to. And I shouldn't have to.

Broken Railroad Tracks

They lead to nowhere, they lead to everywhere. I'd like you to be there too, but it seems that it wouldn't do any good since it has at least a little to do with you... maybe I'll have to find my way all by myself, but some companionship would be cool. The never-ending confusion gets a little dull, let's figure our way through this metaphysical dilemma together. That's what everything is - a series of speculations and interpretations and dilemmas. All we have to do is come out the other side, though nobody makes it out alive. And hopefully we can get through it with another person. I'd like you to be that person, if you're available to. Because the way I see it, as long as we're together we can laugh at all the paradoxes. The gods are letting us figure out things our damn selves, so we have the audacity to laugh at our stupidity, and to laugh at the fact we have a sheer reeling pleasure from things that cannot even speak or touch us physically. We have the audacity to be human. And we have the audacity to be human, and to take pleasure from simple human things, from being in a person's presence rather than from being earth-shaking. And in our complex simplicity we move mountains and drain oceans and come into our own, which is a bigger revelation than any godly thing we could ever think of. So let's forget about riding our way into the sunset, and let's just get out of the freaking car and walk. We got time.

Something Promised...

Excerpts from “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf” that mean something to me.

“dark phrases of womanhood
of never havin been a girl
half-notes scattered
without rhythm / no tune
distraught laughter fallin
over a black girl’s shoulder
it’s funny / it’s hysterical
the melody-less-ness of her dance
don’t tell nobody don’t tell a soul
she’s dancing on beer cans & shingles

this must be the spook house
another song with no singers
lyrics / no voices & interrupted solos
unseen performances

are we ghouls?
children of horror?
the joke?
don’t tell nobody don’t tell a soul
are we animals? have we gone crazy?

I can’t hear anything
But maddening screams
& the soft strains of death
& you promised me
you promised me…
somebody / anybody
sing a black girl’s song
bring her out
to know yourself
to know you
but sing her rhythms
carin / struggle / hard times
sing her song of life
she’s been dead so long
closed in silence so long
she doesn’t know the sound
of her own voice
her infinite beauty
she’s half-notes scattered
without rhythm / no tune
sing her sighs
sing the song of her possibilities
sing a righteous gospel
let her be born
let her be born
& handled warmly”

“but you are of no assistance
I want you to know
this waz an experiment
to see if I was capable of debasing my self for the love of another
if I cd stand not being wanted
when I wanted to be wanted
& I cannot.”

“I don’t wanna write
in English or Spanish
i wanna sing / make you dance
like the bata dance scream
twitch hips wit me cuz
I done forgot all abt words
aint got no definitions
I wanna whirl with you”

“we deal wit emotion too much
so why don’t we go on ahead & be white then /
& make everythin dry & abstract wit no rhythm & no
reelin for sheer sensual pleasure / yes let’s go on
& be white / we’re right in the middle of it / no use
holdin out / holdin onto ourselves / lets think our
way outta feeling / lets abstract ourselves some families
& maybe maybe tonite / I’ll find a way to make myself
come witout you / no fingers or other objects just thot
which isn’t spiritual evolution cuz its empty & godliness
is plenty is ripe & fertile / thinking wont do me a bit of
good tonite / I need to be loved / & haven’t the audacity to say
where are you / & don’t know who to say it to…”

“i’ve lost it
touch wit reality / i don’t know who’s doin it
i thot i waz but i waz so stupid i waz able to be hurt
& that’s not real / not anymore / i shd be immune / if i’m
still alive & that’s what I waz discussin/ how I am still
alive & my dependency on other livin beins for love
I survive on intimacy & tomorrow / that’s all I’ve got goin
& the music waz like smack & you knew abt that
& still refused my dance waz not enuf / & it was all I had
but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma / I haven’t conquered yet / do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the sepration of
soul & gender / my love is too delicate to have thrown back on my face”

"my love is too music to have thrown back on my face"

"I was missing something
Something important
Something promised"

“I found god in myself & I loved her / I loved her fiercely”

Song - "All At Once" by the Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to

She is right in front of you

You begin to wonder could you find a better one

Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find

Where no questions cross your mind

But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt

Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes ...

We'd never know what's wrong without the pain

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there

Maybe you want it, maybe you need it

Maybe it's all you're running from

Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her

Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

To another...

- All At Once

The Center of My Storm

I don't know how you managed it, but you are the center of my storm. Everything seems to whirl around me and is crazy, and sometimes I don't know if I'll get out of this intact, it seems to weigh down on me and make me scream, as if the whirlwinds inside me are clashing against the forces pressing all around me, threatening to drag me under. But somehow you keep me floating, keep me from getting too wrapped up in myself. The storm feels like its getting worse lately, and I wonder if I'm equipped to deal with it. Ahhh. I guess I'll deal.

Chasing Sunsets

We keep running, we keep driving, we keep racing towards the falling daylight, constantly aware of the upcoming night in the back of our minds. Many of us never want the day to end, we don't want to see the light vanish so we have to endure the night. Though I chase the sunset, I welcome night as well. I love the cool feeling, of knowing that the world is still awake, even if its a different kind of world. Things are surreal. Music flows alongside wine and bodies move in different rhythms that all humans seem to know - dance and sex. And sunset is that transition, where you are still feeling the leftover sensation from the day but the sinking into night.

I don't know why so much stigma is associated with the nighttime. And such different kinds too. You have the perception of nightlife, the perception that it's where the party animals come out of their dens to drink and be wasted and let the sorrows wash away. Or that nighttime is when the creeps come out, when those who are unaccepted by society poke their heads out of the dirt and the gutters to wreak havoc and pain.

I don't consider myself among those. At least, I'd hope. Nighttime is also the time for creativity - for inspiration and admiration, for surrealness and dreams and expectations. I love the nighttime. For me the energy of the daytime sails right through the sunset and into the moon-lit sky. Why should I bother chasing sunsets? If I stay where I am, I get to watch the beautiful event of nature without trouble, calm instead of hurried, welcoming the night. And if I'm lucky enough, I'll see the sunrise as well. This post isn't suppossed to make any sense, but it does for me anyways.

I should thank you, part 2

You are an integral part of me now. I've adopted your habits and you've taken some of mine, and it's amazing that now a part of me is actually just you, but in my body. You know how to judge my moods. You know what I need, what I want, and you know when I don't want you to know. You've helped me out so much, and it's fascinating how you've done this. I don't know if it's the same way with you, and I doubt you'd ever tell me anyways. Thank you, thank you so much for helping me to grow, for helping to make me a better person, for growing with me and making me become who I am today. I can't explain how important you are. It's almost as if by simply knowing you I've molded a part of myself after you. I don't look up at you, though I hold you in the highest esteem. You are my equal, the person who can tell me when I'm wrong, but sees me for who I really am. My lies, my faults, and you still forgive me for them. Thank you. You've helped me to learn. To see things from a different perspective, to calm the raging storm that is constantly me. I'm a whirlwind of emotions and you're just a stable rock able to counteract it. You know how to have fun, you taught me to explore, to open my mind, to laugh and smile when there's no reason to. You've taught me that words can be meaningless. And I hope I've had even a quarter of an impact on you that you've had on me. I never believed that any one person could do so much to another, by simply knowing each other. I'd like to believe that we are a testament to what true friends can be, and good ones at that. I'll never forget - "the flaws are what keep us there."

Sunflowers

Make me a very happy person.

Electric

We're electric.

Can you feel the excitement in the air when our bows hit the strings? Can you feel the excitement that rises within and sends us flying through the notes? I bet you can. Because we're the Rosamunde String Quartet, and we have a connection like lightening striking earth and you can feel it even when you're not there. You wish you could hear us. We're not perfect, we've got our flaws and our quirks, and we've had our fair share of fights. But it makes us stronger, it pulls us together, it makes us real friends instead of just four musicians playing together. We've got a real love for the music, a real enjoyment, that sense of elation and a rising sensation that shows passion and compassion and understanding. We're not just a few teenage musicians, we're a string quartet. So tomorrow at 8:10, we're going to rock it.

Rosamunde FTW

[/BAYA]

you and me
let’s forget about everything
and dance the night away, baby
let’s forget all this
pretend the shit don’t exist
forget the confusion

when we meet eyes
forget the yearning

we have a natural rhythm

deep inside
there’s only two that

we all know
one’s animalian
the other lets us swing our hips;
at least until the sun rises…

you and me
let’s just be human
don’t apologize
you know things about
myself that I never want to know
and I know you
and I know you deserve
to be in my arms.

you and me
there’s so much confusion
there’s so much that goes unsaid
forget about it, ‘s alright
let our bodies do the talking
let our souls connect and
let our minds fly

people talk
people talk about you and me
i don’t want to think about
words ‘n shit,
i don’t want to think about
anything at all
let the lights flash by
and let’s become us

when we dance
we don’t have to talk
we don’t have to admit
the things we feel
we don’t have to admit
the things we want
we don’t have to admit
that we aren’t happy
that we aren’t being who we are

let the music take you, love
let the movements drug you

let me love you
let me help you
let out all your frustrations
let our spirits collide
let our body express
our innermost desires.

let’s dance the night away, baby.

[/BAYA]

You are beautiful, too

I was recently talking to a friend of mine. She is young, only a freshman, and she didn't think that she was pretty. She has very distinctive Korean features and complained about them. She seemed to be insecure because she didn't fit in the conventional description of beauty. So what is beauty? It got me to thinking. The media portrays what are distinctly "white" features as beautiful. All women achieve to have that straight hair that easily styles, the thin body with good breasts and straight, medium-sized nose.

But ethnic girls - you are beautiful too. You truly are. I don't care if your hair is nappy, an afro, or so stick-straight there isn't anything you can do with it. Luscious bouncy ringlets or waves are fine too. I don't care if your eyes are 'chinky', far-set, or dark brown. Green and blue eyes are pretty, but brown eyes hold depth and warmth. I don't care if your nose is small and bridgeless, flat and round, pointed, or crooked. I don't care if you're top-heavy, bottom-heavy, or completely curve-less.

Ethnicity is beautiful.

Don't feel ashamed of yourself! Shake those hips, purse those plump lips and embrace your flat features. We come in all shapes and sizes and all of it is gorgeous. Everyone has beauty. Everyone. Please don't forget it. Don't compare yourself to a false image on a movie screen. I love your dark skin, your brown skin, black skin, yellow skin, red skin. Maybe your hair is too thick, maybe your nose is too big, maybe your bottom half is lighter than your top half because you tan on your face and not your legs. Maybe you're too thin and don't have a rear or breasts. Maybe you have too much of one, or just too much. Maybe you think you're too heavy. Too chubby. Too round, too straight. Forget all of that.

I feel like women who have distinctive features feel like they are unattractive. I know I feel like that too. But why change yourself, why get liposuction and breast augmentations or reductions or fatty-eyelid removal surgeries to fit someone else's beauty? You have your own, and you should cherish it. It gives you character, it gives you a look that is you that nobody else has. And if a man (or another woman, for that matter) doesn't appreciate it then you are better than them. Love yourself, because that is the absolute very least that you deserve. Don't cheat yourself.

I should thank you //edited

I really should thank you. Even though you hurt me, the pain subsides. I am moving upward, ascending towards a better me and a better life. Thank you for the friendship you did supply, and I will take the good and the bad with me through my life. I don't believe soulmates are people you are destined to love for the rest of your life. I believe that everyone has people they are suppossed to meet, because they form who you are in some way, shape, or form. You have done that. I have done my part, and you have done yours.

Thank you.